Sunday, September 24, 2006

Using Liberalism to Celebrate Ramadan

By John W. Lillpop

Islam’s holy season of Ramadan begins soon. Most Americans do not really understand Islam or Ramadan, so this is a particularly good time to educate the masses as to the wonders of the “Religion of Peace.”

The test below will measure your liberal quotient on Islam, and will sharpen your liberal perspective just in time for the November elections.

The test:


( ) Was an Islamic religious ritual thousands of years before being commercialized as a national hotel chain—Ramada Inn—by greedy America capitalists.
( ) Is not covered by the constitutional separation of church and state because our founding fathers were all Christian Caucasians—aka infidels.
( ) Should be observed by non-Muslims, especially obese Americans who need daily fasting just before pigging out at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
( ) Should be a paid, month-long national holiday for union labor and all Democrat operatives with proven liberal credentials.

The Koran:

( ) Specifically identifies G.W. Bush as an alcoholic dyslexic and the anti-Allah.
( ) Is available on CD at Democratic National Committee headquarters.
( ) Should be required reading in K-12 to promote religious diversity and sensitivity, and to offset Judeo-Christian propaganda in the Bible.
( ) Calls for Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez to join forces in combating that “evil-doer” G.W. Bush.


( ) Are spiritual sanctuaries reserved for holy communion with Allah, except when being used to plan nuclear attacks on the United States or Israel.
( ) Are managed by skilled curators who are experts in certifying Islamic axes for beheading infidels.
( ) Must never be used to store weapons or ammunition except during time of war. Because of infidels, Islam has always been, and will always be, at war.
( ) Must be attended for Friday prayer, except for the faithful who attend mosques destroyed by suicide bombers. (Notice: No fair blowing up a mosque just to get out of Friday prayer!)

The practice of rewarding martyrs with 72 virgins:

( ) Makes far more sense that the Christian myth about a virgin giving birth to a Jew who had come to save the world.
( ) Assures that Allah will always have a large contingent of dedicated, virile young men eager to give their very lives for the righteous cause of Islam.
( ) Proves that Christians who promote abstinence are extremists who do not understand spirituality in this life nor the one to follow!
( ) Is proof that welfare reform without a commitment to government- sponsored vocational training is a failed Republican idea.

So how did you do? Are you ready for some Ramadan?

John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal.