Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Barney Frank Wants to Ban Straight Marriage

Satire By John Lillpop

Proving once and for all that the $3.00 dollar bill is not the queerest thing in Washington, D.C., Barney Frank announced a new initiative to offset right-wing efforts to ban gay marriage.

Frank's unusual proposal would ban straight marriage as an old school, dysfunctional institution that serves no one while it disenfranchises many.

According to the flaming liberal Democrat, purveyors of straight marriage offend gay and lesbians by discriminating against such people in all walks of life.

As an example, Frank cites statistics from Massachusetts that show that straight men rarely, if ever, propose marriage to gay men.

That practice is discrimination at its worse, Frank says, because it denies gay men the opportunity to share in the wealth and social advantages that accrue to women who, solely because of their genitalia, are unfairly favored as matrimonial partners by straight men.

Over the course of a lifetime, Frank estimates that the average gay man loses about $500,000 in rightful income that would have been his if straight men were not so negative when it comes to gay relationships.

Frank's bill, titled the The Fairness in Securing Wealth through Perversion Opportunities Act of 2008, is a bipartisan effort because Republican Mark Foley has agreed to come out of retirement just to usher the bill through the Republican members of the U.S. House.

Foley's expertise in dealing with under aged House pages will be particularly valuable in Frank's battle to get The Fairness in Securing Wealth through Perversion Opportunities Act of 2008 enacted into law.