John W. Lillpop
Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written again. This time, the Iranian president wants to know what Jesus would do were He were present in the world today.
My reply follows:
December 20, 2006
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
Dear President Ahmadinejad,
Once again, we thank you for writing.
Given your communications skills, you are probably going to need a literary agent soon. We are pleased to recommend a young, attractive American woman who has exceptional experience and who would be a perfect match.
Her name is Judith Regan and, as fate would have it, she is in the market for employment. Ms. Regan can help you put together a slick brochure to explain your uranium centrifuges to a cynical world.
She would probably title it “If I Made Nuclear Weapons,Here Is How I Would Do It” or something clever like that.
Trust us, Regan is a whiz at helping murderous thugs and Islamic nutcases gain wide spread respect and acceptability. As an added bonus, Ms. Regan shares your concerns about “Jewish cabals.”
Now, let us consider your latest missive. You posed a question as follows:
“What would Jesus do if he were present in the world today?”
With all due respect, Mahmoud, the Jesus Christ of our faith is present in the world right now. In fact, billions of believers are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ this month.
The Body of Christ—we faithful Christians throughout the world—await his physical return with great anticipation.
However, no mortal can guess, much less know, what Jesus will do upon his return. Because He is divine and omnipotent, Jesus can do whatsoever he deems good and necessary.
While it is impossible for mortals to know what Jesus might do, here are some ideas that infidel rednecks would like to see implemented:
* All existing mosques should be converted to synagogues and or Kosher delicatessens. Holocaust artifacts should be sold by any properly licensed Jew.
* In order to combat terrorism, the reward for successful Muslim suicide bombers and other martyrs should be reduced from 72 to 36 virgins. In addition, martyrs should have two basic virgin models to choose from: A clone of Helen Thomas or, for the more intellectual jihadist, a clone of Madeline Albright.
Reversing one’s martyrdom decision should not be an option.
* George W. Bush should be declared the King of all Islam nations in the world. Texan should be made the official language throughout Bush Kingdom, and all of his subjects should be required to consume at least twenty pounds of BBQ beef and five cases of Budweiser beer every month.
* It should be announced that your missing Imam has been found. She is doing quite well, but wants to complain publicly about lousy conditions in Iranian wells.
Your old pal—and we mean old!—Mike Wallace is working on a television special with Ms. Imam, and Mike may wish to get your comments after the special has been beamed globally to six billion homes!
* Because of copyright infringements, the celebration of Ramadan should be outlawed. American corporate executives registered Ramada Inn as a Doing Business As (DBA) name several years ago, and Ramadan appears to have been plagiarized by Muslims for selfish religious purposes.
We trust that these answers will enrich your understanding of Western values and ideals.
Please do not hesitate to Instant Message Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid if you need further information about how to ruin America.
Sincerely,
John W. Lillpop
Infidel Second Class
