December 1, 2006
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
Dear President Ahmadinejad,
We are in receipt of your letter dated November 29, 2006, addressed to “Noble Americans.”
While your English translators are quite good, we recommend that duplicate copies be provided in Ebonics and Spanish the next time you write. Both of these languages are used widely here, and the millions of Americans who favor them deserve the chance to hear your pearls of wisdom just like the rest of us.
Howard Dean agrees with this recommendation, and tells us that he forgot to mention that we are becoming multi-lingual when he prepared the final draft.
It is noted that you dated your letter November 29, 2006. We trust that you recognize that the year 2006 is based on the number of years since the birth of Jesus Christ, who is the only deity to have walked on earth and the only source for redemption and eternal life.
We have attached a Gideon Bible and encourage you to read the New Testament, particularly the books written by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, who were great disciples that worked side by side with Jesus Christ during his ministry here on earth more than two millennia ago.
By the way, Jesus and all his disciples were Jews.
While we are concerned with some of the inflammatory speech in your correspondence, we are pleased that you are writing. Our intelligence professionals tell us that as long as you are preoccupied with writing, at least you are not making nuclear weapons with enriched uranium gleaned from those illegal centrifuges.
So by all means, make prose, not bombs, Mahmoud!
As to your suggestion that America disengage from our long-standing relationship with Israel, a quick study in American economics and politics is in order:
You see, Jews own all our banks and financial institutions, they are embedded in all levels of government in Washington, D.C., and in the 50 states, they own all major communications venues, and they run Hollywood, movie capitol of the world.
In sum, Jews are everywhere.
We understand that you are looking forward to the return of the Iranian messiah—AKA the Hidden Imam--as a signal that the end times have arrived.
Praise be, Mahmoud!
Our president, George Bush, owns a large ranch in Texas, including several wells. In what surely must be a miracle, secret service officials are reporting that a man calling himself the Hidden Imam was found in a well praying for help. It seems as though the fellow used a defective GPS and ended up in Crawford, Texas, rather than Tehran.
Our president says that he is willing to work with you so that you can get your Hidden Imam out of that well and we can shut down those centrifuges. Please make us an offer.
We noble Americans wish you and your Hidden Imam a Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
A Noble American
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!
