Friday, November 10, 2006

My Fellow Americans, Fret Not About Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi

By John Lillpop

Now that Nancy Pelosi has shattered the gender barrier, glass ceiling, and incredulity index all in one fell swoop, ordinary Americans are starting to worry that she may be just a tad too liberal to be second in the succession line for the U.S. presidency.

After all, Comrade Nancy does hail from San Francisco—the only American city that tried to join the former USSR, but was rejected because Moscow found folks here too far to the left.

Rest assured, fellow citizens, Speaker-elect Pelosi poses no threat to the America that we all know and love. At least not yet.

For the purpose of calming the minds and stomachs of those fearing the worse when Nancy Pelosi is crowned to take over, several common myths and exaggerations concerning San Francisco liberalism must be debunked.

To wit, contrary to popular belief:

  • It is NOT a felony to vote Republican in San Francisco, although it is a misdemeanor to register, with the knowing intent of voting for a Republican at a future date.

  • A special permit is NOT required to fly Old Glory--except on Cinco de Mayo day when the Mexican flag is preeminent, and is not to be mocked with vulgar displays of excessive Americanism.

  • Speaking English is NOT a hate crime, except at fast-food restaurants, car washes, emergency rooms, and when speaking to Hispanics obviously here illegally.

  • Displaying the logo of the United States Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines does NOT violate city ordinances, unless one does so with an arrogant, “America First,” George W. Bush-type of attitude.

  • Attending a Christian church does NOT automatically subject one to higher property taxes: There is an appeals process available.

  • Law enforcement job applicants are NOT required to prove that they are transvestite, gay, handicapped, or a racial minority to qualify.

  • Working at Wal-Mart is NOT against city law, provided one can prove he or she is an illegal alien from Mexico.

  • Abortions are NOT available on those fabulous cable cars, but may be arranged at most self-serve gas stations and progressive piano bars.

  • Young Middle Eastern males who speak Arabic are NOT a protected minority until they have first been arrested and charged with a terrorist act.

  • Being a straight, white, employed Christian male does NOT require one to notify the police before moving into a new neighborhood, or to be listed on a government web site.

  • Securing a driver’s license does NOT automatically enroll one as a dues-paying member of the ACLU, and

  • Convicted sex offenders moving into San Francisco are NOT automatically registered to vote as Democrats: They have 30 days in which to join the party and register.

So while liberalism is a severe mental disorder that will significantly impact Nancy Pelosi’s judgment, the good news is…. Heck, there is no good news!

Run for your bloody lives!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, “clean and sober” since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!