By John W. Lillpop
As the crisis engulfing former Congressman Mark Foley rages out of control like a California forest fire in autumn, the beleaguered congressman has an urgent need for friendly, yet pragmatic, advise and counsel.
This list has been prepared to survey public opinion about how Mark Foley can best begin putting his life back together. Please take a moment and share your thoughts about the actions that Foley should undertake, particularly in light of the November 7 elections.
Final results will be tabulated and forwarded free of charge to Mr. Foley at his rehabilitation bed or jail cell, as circumstances warrant.
Resurrection of public image:
To a professional politician, public image is everything. In order to repair his tattered public persona, Mr. Foley should:
( ) Change his party affiliation to Democrat.
( ) Register as a sex offender which will automatically change his party affiliation to Democrat
( ) Move to San Francisco which will automatically change his party affiliation and register him as a sex offender.
( ) Leave rehabilitation and immediately announce his intent to become a Catholic priest.
Assuming Mr. Foley is eventually charged with a crime, his defense should be based on:
( ) Claim congressional immunity, a la Rep. William J. Jefferson. Point out that he (Foley) does not even own a freezer, much less one worth $90,000.
( ) Declare himself the victim of a vast left-wing conspiracy orchestrated by Nancy Pelosi in her power-mad drive to retake the U.S. House.
( ) Petition the U.S. Supreme Court to declare unconstitutional all laws that make it a crime to pursue relationships with under-age, but consenting, minors. Such laws discriminate against pedophiles and homosexuals in much the same manner as sodomy laws once did before being struck down by the courts.
( ) Claim to be a flaming liberal. As such, Foley is entitled to the presumption of innocence because liberalism is known to be a severe mental disorder that renders its victims incapable of distinguishing right from wrong.
Future career options:
Pedophiles have the same needs—and then some—as most human beings. They need food, housing, health care, and all the basic amenities. Because of the notoriety visited upon Mr. Foley, his career in politics is probably not a viable option so he needs to explore other career paths.
In order to earn a living, a scandalized pedophile that has single-handedly destroyed the two party system in America should:
( ) Open a “Toys for Teens” gift store in time to cash in on Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Ramadan shopping.
( ) Develop a customized IM database that includes the names and IM addresses of all congressmen and under-age pages, and which is encrypted and hacker-proof so as to assure complete privacy and zero vulnerability to tracing.
( ) Actively campaign for the re-election of Nancy Pelosi in the hope that, if elevated to Speaker of the House, Pelosi will hire Foley as an expert on the gay, teen voting block.
( ) Work with Washington, D.C., contacts to establish an equivalent “page” program for female teens. Call it Pagetts and remind skeptics that these teens are female and, as such, are unlikely to tempt Mr. Foley into untoward behavior.
Thanks in advance for your help!