In the throes of the Great Gasoline Crisis of 2006, many irate citizens are blaming President Bush and the Republicans for it all, vowing to install Democrat majorities in both chambers of Congress as a result of elections this November.
Trust me, fellow Americans, electing liberal Democrats to deal with the gasoline crisis makes about as much sense as hiring Vicente Fox to run U.S. border patrol. Or having Bill Clinton as the spokesman for marital fidelity.
It would just not be prudent!
To prove that hypothesis, this scientific test has been designed to measure one’s “Liberal Quotient”--the opposite of intelligence quotient--on the issue of gasoline prices.
The test:
1. Soaring gasoline prices are the direct result of:
( ) A vast right-wing conspiracy to stop poor people of color
from driving to the polls.
( ) Republican greed and Bush lies about WMD.
( ) Manipulation of supplies by "Big Oil" and Bush to drive
the price per gallon up to $5.
( ) President Bush’s domestic surveillance and torture programs.
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2. Drilling for new oil reserves is:
( ) Prohibited by the U.S. Constitution.
( ) A grave danger to Alaskan wildlife and ticket
sales for Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth.”
( ) Sure to irritate Iran’s president and other Islamic business
leaders that Bush should be working with, rather than against.
( ) Unnecessary if automobiles are outlawed.
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3. Adding additional refining capacity would:
( ) Increase demand, causing more global warming. Not cool!
( ) Be more immoral than post-birth abortions.
( ) Be OK if built in blue states by brown illegal aliens.
( ) Not OK because the land is urgently needed for new headquarters of the Democratic National Committee.
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4. The best idea for dealing with the high cost of gasoline is to:
( ) Ignore it. Americans drive too much as it is.
( ) Ignore it because higher prices will drive Bush’s
poll numbers down.
( ) Raise gasoline taxes $2.50 per gallon to reduce demand.
( ) Cut off supplies to Red states.
( ) Require each Mexican illegal alien to smuggle in five gallons of gas per month as a condition of the Bush amnesty.
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5. SUVs and large automobiles are:
( ) Anti-American. Anyone owning one should be arrested
and charged with treason.
( ) OK if operated by union labor working to elect Democrats.
( ) Evil and should be confiscated, melted down, and recast into “Elect Hillary” campaign buttons--printed in Spanish.
What did I tell you? You can not trust liberals to do the right thing when political gain can be realized by being overly partisan.
John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal.
