Sunday, June 29, 2008
ALOHA AND MAHALO, JIHADIST DUDES!
A Satirical Look at the Religion of Peace
By John W. Lillpop
This work is dedicated to my precocious niece Shannon Haley who is the spitting image of my late mother, except for the spitting and the being dead part.
Shannon has just turned twenty one and unlike others, does not think she knows everything. As she puts it, most stuff is not worth knowing any how.
Chapter 1: Time to Make a Deal With Osama bin Laden?
Chapter 2: Fall of the Ham Sandwich: Precursor to Armageddon?
Chapter 3: Gasoline Rationing in Iran? How SWEET It Is!
Chapter 4: Why Would Any Straight Jihadist Ever Resist Death?
Chapter 5: Aloha and Mahalo, Jihadist Dudes!
Chapter 6: Of Rape Victims, Teddy Bears and the Virgin Birth
Chapter 7: Shortage of Virgins in Islamic Heaven?
Chapter 8: Final Exam
Time To Make a Deal With Osama bin Laden?
Owing to the fact that far too much Muslim blood is being shed in the war on terror, I say it is time to make a deal with Osama bin Laden.
Here is my opening bid to the brutal rag head: America will give bin Laden the Clinton Memorial Library, 38 million illegal aliens currently squatting in America, and all "Blue" states except California.
Actually, once illegal aliens are deported to caves in Afghanistan, California will automatically revert to being a "Red" state where English will once again be heard in restaurants, car washes, the Department of Motor Vehicles, liquor stores, and hospital emergency rooms.
In exchange, Osama agrees to switch his voter registration from Democrat to independent, and further agrees not to kidnap Howard Dean or vote for Barack Obama in 2008.
We conservatives need Howard Dean around in order to regain the Congress and keep the White House.
If Osama balks at this offer, America can agree to throw in the federal Department of Education, the ACLU, and Nancy Pelosi to close the deal.
As a famous Islamic intellectual once observed, “With infidels, you can negotiate anything!”
Fall of the Ham Sandwich: Precursor to Armageddon?
Although my formal education in theology is negligible (zero), I am spiritually enlightened enough to know that the Almighty uses "signs" to warn his flocks of impending doom.
Examples from the beginning of time include earthquakes, and rumors of earthquakes, floods, pestilence, tsunamis, and other catastrophic events, like the Democrats regaining majority control of the US Congress.
All of these are warnings from on high which, when accompanied by blaring trumpets and angels dressed in black, are His way of letting us know that the end is nigh.
A new and very ominous sign is now emerging, and this one involves fundamental American values. Should this travesty take hold, it could lead to the end of western civilization, as we now know it.
The issue: Liberalism gone amuck has reached the point where the Ham Sandwich, symbol of all that is good and holy in America, is under assault.
Example: Wantonly leaving a ham sandwich on a dining table at which Muslims are seated is a Hate Crime in certain communities overly infested with liberalism.
Future horror: Mentioning ham sandwiches within 2,500 yards of any Muslim faithful and or mosque may be designated as Hate Speech and could lead to an arrest.
Recognize, please, the gravity of this situation: Eliminating the ham sandwich could be the final blow to America the great.
Without a ham sandwich to practice on, aspiring prosecutors might end up violating legal ethics, like Mike Nifong did with his outrageous indictment of the Duke University lacrosse team.
Or an attorney without ham sandwich training might convict a person who has committed no crime, as Patrick Fitzgerald did to Scooter Libby.
Bottom Line: The ham sandwich is vital to American culture and jurisprudence, and must not be tampered with, Allah notwithstanding!
Gasoline Rationing in Iran? How SWEET It Is!
While President Bush and like minded evil doers in the United States Senate worked overtime in an attempt to overturn the rule of law as regards 38 million illegal aliens, there were some good news items worthy of mention.
One of the most uplifting stories comes from Tehran, Iran, where it was reported that because of limited refining capacity, the government has decided to ration the amount of gasoline available to private vehicles.
Limited refining capacity? Iran sits on some of the largest and most valuable oil reserves in the world, and cannot meet its own gasoline needs?
My first thought upon hearing this great news: There IS a God, and He is on our side!
My second thought: How SWEET the irony!
To be perfectly honest, it sounds as though Iran is suffering from the same sort of myopic vision and self-defeating idiocy that Democrats have used to destroy energy independence in America!
Since when have the likes of Al Gore, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid managed to infiltrate the Iranian government and influence energy policy?
Must be that God fellow again!
As expected, average Iranians are not amused by the gasoline rationing kerfuffel.
Armed with torches, stones, and other instruments of free speech common to the "Religion of Peace," Iranians took to the streets to express their displeasure generally and with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad specifically.
Pity things are just not working out for Mahmoud. Perhaps the goofy rag head should abandon inflammatory rhetoric about destroying Israel, and concentrate instead on domestic issues more germane to Iran's economy and well being. Like installing additional refining capacity, for heaven's sake!
Why Would Any Straight Jihadist Ever Resist Death?
If it were true that, upon death, Muslim men have immediate access to 72 voluptuous virgins, why would any normal Jihadist ever resist?
In fact, one wonders why Musab Zarqawi tried to crawl off his death-stretcher in Iraq? Given the promise of all that free love, why not just lay back, relax and croak?
Perhaps Zarqawi understood that if he stayed on the stretcher he risked being taken and kept alive by American medical people.
He was also shrewd enough to know that liberals at the ACLU and DNC would demand that he receive a full slate of "Terrorist Rights," including a civilian jury trial, thereby delaying his reward by a decade or two.
So Zarqawi did what any sane Muslim about to lose out on 20 years of unfettered virgin sex would do: He tried to escape in order to die immediately!
In the end, though, Zarqawi was a beneficiary of superior American technology as that 500-pound buster- bomb blasted the jihadist killer out of this level of consciousness.
Zarqawi’s last words on that bloody stretcher reflected his gratitude when he stole a direct quote from George W. Bush:
Bring them on! said the dying Jihadist, with a twinkle in his still-horny eye.
And remember the weasels that committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay? One would assume that by now they have all snaked their way up to Islamic heaven and are reunited with Zarqawi.
So, again the pertinent question: With 72 virgins in the offing, why in the name of Allah would any straight Muslim male resist death?
Mahalo and Aloha, Jihadist Dudes!
Of all the bloody cheek!
No longer content with just ramming airplanes into skyscrapers, devotees of the "Religion of Peace" have raised the terror bar another couple of notches.
Now these neurotic stowaways from the 7th century have flexed their financial muscle by threatening to boycott Northwest Airlines. It seems as though agents at Northwest had the audacity to demand that Muslim travelers follow international and airline rules by checking in least one hour before scheduled departure time.
It had something to do with security, 9/11, terrorism threats, etc. Nothing that would concern any card-holding Jihadist, right?
In any event, travelers returning from a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, allegedly arrived just twenty minutes before departure, rather the required hour.
That is when Northwest Airlines personnel acted responsibly and refused to allow 40 of Allah's best and brightest to board the plane.
Of course, lawyers from CAIR resorted to their standard policy book and screamed Racism! Blah, blah, blah.
And they the CAIR lawyers threatened to boycott the company, meaning that Muslims would get even by not flying Northwest Airlines.
Excuse me, did I read that correctly? Muslims threatened to stay away from Northwest Airlines?
Good grief, how lucky can any airline get?
Immediately after confirming this report, I checked the itinerary for my Hawaii vacation in May and dispatched the following letter to the Northern California branch of CAIR:
Knowing how racist and belligerent some airlines can be, I thought it my civic duty to inform you of a situation that is untenable for any devoted Jihadist.
I refer to XXX Airlines, Flight XX, on May 15, 2008. This is a non-stop from Morgan Hill International Airport in California to Hana, Maui, and leaves at 730 am, PDT. Gate 2a, Terminal 3.
In addition, please make note of the return flight from Hana to Morgan Hill on May 31, 2008.
Both of these flights are to be avoided by Muslims at all costs. The pilots, stewardesses, security personal, bartenders, and Red Caps at these airports are all bigoted, anti-Islam racists. Some may even be Jews.
Please confirm receipt of this advisory and CAIR's firm commitment to boycott the identified flights.
Praise be to Allah.
Mahalo and Aloha, Jihadist dudes!
Of Rape Victims, Teddy Bears and the Virgin Birth
Say what you like about Islamofascists, one thing is clear: These seventh century tyrants are consistently outrageous, and dangerously so.
Consider the recent mayhem from Saudi Arabia, America's middle east "ally" and personal favorite of all American presidents, past and present, named Bush.
An unidentified woman in that pathetic kingdom was sentenced to prison and 200 lashes for an unforgivable violation of Sharia moral law.
Her offense? She was gang raped by seven men who kidnapped her at knife point.
Of course she was to blame for the assault because she wore sexy clothing, used provocative body language, and had the audacity to be alone in an automobile with a male to whom she was not related.
Not to be outdone by an impotent old King from Saudi Arabia, thousands of Sudanese, many armed with knives and clubs, marched in Khartoum to demand the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam.
Gillian Gibbons is the British teacher who earned the wrath of Sudanese Muslims for an act so unseemly one hesitates to even discuss it in a family venue.
Her offense? Gillian Gibbons deliberately, and with malice, allowed students in her to class to name a Teddy Bear "Muhammad." **
How dare this twisted Brit demean Allah, the prophet, and the "Religion of Peace" with such disgusting behavior?
Of course, Gibbons deserves the ax for her sacrilegious impropriety.
A just punishment in Islam would be: Gibbons should be gang raped in Saudi Arabia, after which she should be returned to Sudan and beheaded!
Now that would be the most logical rendering of Sharia law.
All of which should cause Christians to rejoice in the fact that Sharia law was not in place in Bethlehem more than 2,000 years ago.
How do you suppose Islamofascists would have reacted to an unmarried virgin named Mary giving birth to a Jewish child come to save the world?
Shortage of Virgins in Islamic Heaven?
As one who is fascinated by Islam, I admit to being confused when Muslim clerics warn other Muslims to vacate an area targeted for devastation by terrorists in the Islamofascists movement.
On the one hand, I appreciate the fact that clerics are kind enough to warn fellow terrorists of impending doom so that steps can be taken to avoid annihilation.
On the other hand, one of the more appealing aspects of Islam is the promise of 72 virgins commencing with one’s earthly death and ascension into Islamic heaven.
If that promise were true, why would any Muslim cleric worth his weight in IED devices “warn" brothers to leave?
It would seem to make better Muslim sense for clerics to keep that information under their turbans. That way, Muslim brothers fortunate enough to be caught up in the next attack could cash in on those carnal blessings promised in the Koran.
Perhaps there is another answer: Is there a shortfall of virgins in Islamic heaven?
Could it be that George W. Bush and his coalition of infidels have created a virgin supply-demand imbalance by killing so many terrorists? An imbalance that is threatening to shut down the Virgin Redemption Center (VRC) in Islamic heaven?
What a pity that would be. All those horny Islamofascists robbed of their only incentive to murder and maim!
Pop Quiz on Islam
Islam’s holy season of Ramadan begins in November. Most Americans do not really understand Islam or Ramadan, so this is a particularly good time to educate the masses as to the wonders of the “Religion of Peace.”
The test below will measure your liberal quotient on Islam, and will sharpen your liberal perspective just in time for the November elections.
In keeping with liberal idiocy when it comes to education, there are no right or wrong answers. All answers are equal and no one should suffer self-esteem bruises because of a silly test!
( ) Was an Islamic religious ritual thousands of years before being commercialized as a national hotel chain—Ramada Inn—by greedy America infidels.
( ) Is not covered by the constitutional separation of church and state because our founding fathers were all Christian Caucasians—aka infidels.
( ) Should be observed by non-Muslims, especially obese Americans who need daily fasting just before pigging out at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
( ) Should be a paid, month-long national holiday for union labor and all Democrat operatives with proven liberal credentials.
( ) Specifically identifies G.W. Bush as an alcoholic dyslexic and the anti-Allah.
( ) Is available on CD at Democratic National Committee headquarters.
( ) Should be required reading in K-12 to promote religious diversity and sensitivity, and to offset Judeo-Christian propaganda in the Bible.
( ) Calls for Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez to join forces in combating that “evil-doer” G.W. Bush.
( ) Are spiritual sanctuaries reserved for holy communion with Allah, except when being used to plan nuclear attacks on the United States or Israel.
( ) Are managed by skilled curators who are experts in certifying Islamic axes for beheading infidels.
( ) Must never be used to store weapons or ammunition except during time of war. Because of infidels, Islam has always been, and will always be, at war.
( ) Must be attended for Friday prayer, except for the faithful who attend mosques destroyed by suicide bombers. (Notice: No fair blowing up a mosque just to get out of Friday prayer!)
The practice of rewarding martyrs with 72 virgins:
( ) Makes far more sense that the Christian myth about a virgin giving birth to a Jew who had come to save the world.
( ) Assures that Allah will always have a large contingent of dedicated, virile young men eager to give their very lives for the righteous cause of Islam.
( ) Proves that Christians who promote abstinence are extremists who do not understand spirituality in this life nor the one to follow!
( ) Is proof that welfare reform without a commitment to government- sponsored vocational training is a failed Republican idea.
So how did you do? Are you ready for some Ramadan?
Posted by John W Lillpop at 5:39 PM