Thursday, April 05, 2007
"Granny Diplomacy" Hits Bump in Road to Damascus
satire by John W. Lillpop
Speaker Nancy Pelosi's much ballyhooed middle east mission to "make the world safer" was apparently marred by a failure often experienced by people in the later stages of life.
It's called a "senior moment" and causes the victim--in this case Pelosi--to lose all conscious memory and reasoning power.
In Pelosi's case, the loss was not all that great because there was not an abundance of either commodity in her liberal-infested cranium to begin with.
But a senior moment is the only plausible explanation for the kerfuffle created by the speaker over the past week.
Here is how Speaker Pelosi managed to mangle the peace process and set diplomacy back at least two generations:
Although Pelosi proudly marched into her meeting with Syrian President Assad and boldly announced a new peace message from Israel's Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, the Speaker's diplomatic triumph was lacking in one vital detail:
It was simply not true!
Indeed, Olmert's office issued a rare "clarification" Wednesday that contradicted Speaker Pelosi's claim. In other words, America's most powerful woman is incapable of grasping and accurately communicating a simple message.
Bottom line: Absolutely nothing has changed in Israel and nothing will change in Syria just because a meddling old woman with dementia and botox poisoning has decided to save the world with "granny diplomacy."
To her credit, Pelosi stood up and took responsibility for the disconnect. She blamed an incompetent aide for forgetting to remind Pelosi to take her memory medicines last Saturday, which led directly to her faulty recollection of Olmert's message.
How comforting to know that the very future of the planet and its six billion human residents rests with an aging feminist who cannot distinguish between peace and terrorism in her addled old brain!
On a more positive note, former President Jimmy Carter praised Speaker Pelosi for her acheivement and opined that the garbled message was probably the result of a bold face lie on the part of the Jews, including Olmert.
Carter urged Pelosi to continue to use "granny diplomacy" until the world reaches the enlightened state of consciousness enjoyed by most residents of San Francisco.
America's best known peanut farmer and worst ex-president also compared the Pelosi trip to Damascus with that of Saul in biblical times. Saul, it will be recalled, was converted to Christianity on the road to Damascus, and became a major figure in the Christian movement.
"Pelosi's visit to Damascus may eventually be just as historic as that of Saul," Carter declared.
That may be true, but first Pelosi will have to remember where in the hell she is, and what she is supposed to say!
Meanwhile, President Bush announced receipt of an official letter from Syrian President Bashar al-Assad about Speaker Pelosi. Mr. Bush released the following reply to the Syrian terrorist:
April 4, 2007
President Bashar Assad
We are in recent of your communiqué, dated April 4, 2007, in which Syria announces that Speaker Nancy Pelosi of the United States has been taken captive and is being held by your government.
Although we appreciate your desire to cooperate with the United States in this delicate matter, your offer to release Speaker Pelosi unharmed is categorically and firmly rejected.
To begin with, it is, and shall remain, the policy of the United States to never negotiate with terrorists.
Based on her recent attempts to force my administration to surrender to the enemy in Iraq, Speaker Pelosi is now officially considered a terrorist, at least by this office.
As such, Ms. Pelosi is no longer welcome in America.
We believe that Ms. Pelosi's anti-American attitudes and behavior are a perfect match for Syria, and most especially your administration. We encourage you to work with Ms. Pelosi to find a suitable position for her in your government.
Moreover, your offer to terminate all financial, military, and tactical support to terrorists in the middle east is unacceptable and is also rejected.
Your demand that we take Speaker Pelosi back is just too steep a price to pay for peace.
We are encouraged by the fact that Syria has chosen a diplomatic and peaceful course of action in this matter. Although we cannot accept either of your offers at this time, conditions may change after the November, 2008 elections.
I have asked my Secretary of State, Dr. Rice, to contact you directly in mid-November, 2008 to discuss the matter further.
In the meanwhile, I wish you all the best in dealing with Speaker Pelosi.
Please advise the speaker that we hope she finds herself in Syria. Please also tell her that Laura compliments her on that Maple Leaf-studded headscarf.
Good luck in Syria, Speaker Pelosi!
John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.