Monday, January 01, 2007

Saddam Eligible for 72 Virgins? (Satire)

"Welcome to Eternity and Happy Hanukkah, Saddam."

by John W. Lillpop

One of the most appealing aspects of the Muslim faith is the promise that upon ascension to Islamic heaven, martyred men automatically inherit the company and pleasures of 72 virgins. This fringe benefit helps to explain why Muslims are always engaged in war and doing crazy things to get themselves killed.

Religious scholars throughout the middle east are debating the application of the “Rule of 72” to Saddam Hussein who was sent on his merry way at dawn on December 30.

While scholars differ, Saddam himself appeared convinced that orgiastic bliss was in his future. How can we infidels know what the deranged dictator thought?

For starters, Saddam’s last communication to the Iraqi people referred to his looming execution as a “sacrifice” for God. That is Muslim-babble for martyr, as in “I am ready to collect my heavenly reward in flesh!”

In another dead give away (pun intended), Saddam also clutched a copy of the Quaran until the moment before he was hanged. This was yet another sign that the Butcher of Baghdad had decided to follow a spiritual path for eternity--especially the part about the 72 virgins.

But the dictator’s last act on earth erased all doubt about his mindset: Saddam kept six 100mg Viagra hidden under his tongue, and swallowed the pills just before the trap door was released.

Thus, Saddam’s Death Certificate listed the official cause of death as “Penile Explosion.”

But, alas, in the end, Saddam may have outsmarted himself.

According to Opel Bijiquiovarti, expert in the “Rule of 72” and other scholarly works about Islam, Saddam overlooked a key passage in the Quaran which deals with despots, dictators, and those who commit suicide for reasons other than the glory of Allah. Self-induced penile explosion seems to fall into the last category.

However, Bijiquiovarti still believes that Saddam will get 72 virgins.

But Saddam will be shocked to learn that all 72 are the spitting image of Golda Meir, former Prime Minister of Israel.

Thus, 72 clones of Golda Meir will greet Saddam with:

"Welcome to Eternity and Happy Hanukkah, Saddam." In perfect Yiddish.


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!