Satire By John W. Lillpop
To say that Washington politicians speak in stealth, and without apparent transparency, would itself be a perfect example of code-speak.
The fact is that most of what is said for public consumption in Washington has at least one possible alternative meaning. "Plausible Deniability" is an obvious ploy to shield public servants should overexposure to the light of day threaten to wreak havoc on previous assertions.
So it was with that cynical perspective that I read President Bush's recent statement to the Cuban people concerning their future, sans Fidel Castro.
Bush said: "We will support you in your effort to build a transitional government in Cuba committed to democracy, and we will take note of those in the current Cuban regime who obstruct your desire for a free Cuba."
To the politically naive, that would seem a fairly innocuous statement of reassurance to a nation of people that has suffered under a Communist dictator for more 40 years. G.W. was simply reminding Cubans that America stands ready to help should Castro expire any time soon. Right?
However, to those of us who know better, G.W. was really firing a warning shot at Fidel's radical brother, Raul Castro. In my view, G.W. was speaking in code about Cuba's future and his own political aspirations--inextricably linked if my political analysis is accurate.
In effect, G.W. was saying: "Fidel Castro is in God's hands. And that means the old commie fart will soon be your 'dearly departed' former president.
''But fret not, Cuba, because as luck would have it, yours truly will soon be looking for an executive position. I can bring you freedom, democratic rule and trade with the United States."
In other words, G. W. was announcing his intention to run for president again--but next time, he will be seeking the top job in Cuba.
And why shouldn't he?
In January 2009, G.W. Bush will be just 62 years old--a veritable lad. He takes no prescription medications and appears in excellent physical health. A perfect candidate to lead Cuba out of the dark days of communist despair and into the bright future of Compassionate Conservatism.
Besides, running for president of Cuba certainly beats the hell out of alternatives recently offered by Don Rumsfield. Rummy suggested that Bush do one of the following:
* Declare himself eligible for another term based on the perverted liberal argument that Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, or
* Append the 2007 Defense Appropriations bill with a Signing Statement declaring that the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution null and void.
Both ideas lack political pizzazz and are unlikely to connect with voters, even with all those bombs, tanks, fighter jets, guns, and Marines at Rummy's disposal.
And consider G.W.'s strengths and how they might benefit Cuba. A resume of qualifications for G.W. might read as follows:
The Oval Office
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Executive position with government-backed pension and retirement benefits, plus two months annual vacation.
Worked for eight years to bring peace, prosperity, and harmony to America. Would have succeeded were it not for partisan, leftist thugs known in the United States as Democrats.
Texan--Pidgin English with a drawl
Greatest Achievement As President:
House-breaking Barney from doing his business on the Oval Office carpet.
Greatest Obstacle As President:
Learning the correct pronunciation of ''nuclear,'' but it's still what they call a work in progress.
Favorite Song: Hail to the Chief.
Currently Reading: June Reader's Digest
Just Finished Reading: May Reader's Digest*
* In Washington most of July--unable to get to Crawford library to check out
Fondest Memory As President:
Telling John Kerry he had the wrong number when he called to concede the election in 2004.
Foreign Leader Most Admired:
Foreign Leader Least Admired:
Flat-footed tie between Osama bin Laden and Ted Kennedy
Autographing my demolished cycling helmets and selling them to pay for heavily padded knee-and-elbow shock absorbers.
Cross between Yogi Berra and Ken Lay.
Advise for Next U.S. President:
Hispanically speaking, never misunderestimate your opponent's strategery.
See results from 2004 U.S. presidential election.
January 2009 at the latest. Depending on the 2006 mid-term elections, it could be much sooner.
And finally, the ''G.W. Bush Vision Statement for All Cubans'':
''Good eyesight is vital to seeing a bright future. I encourage all Cubans to take good care of the eyes God gave you, even if you do not always see eyeball-to-eyeball with him.''
Run, George, run!
John W. Lillpop is a recovering liberal.