Erectile Function Is an Inalienable RIGHT

By John W. Lillpop

As men in the "boomer" generation reach the later stages of life, a new medical ailment is driving millions of once virile, confident men to tears and shame.

Namely, the dreaded ED, as in Erectile Dysfunction.

ED, pervasive among men in their 50s and 60s, has spawned a new family of medicines devised to treat the debilitating loss of performance in life's most vital game.

The sports analogy is "He got game!"

Men with ED "got no game."

But thanks to some nerdy scientist, who has probably never witnessed the awesome beauty of the disrobed female anatomy in person, American men now have Viagra.

We call it Blue Magic.

In sports vernacular, "We got game again!"

Hallelujah and glory be to the goddess of love!

The only side effect with Viagra is the danger of heart attack from too much excitement. But what the heck, no drug is perfect. Right?

But, the medicine is a bit pricey.

In order to determine what can be done to make Viagra accessible to all men, we contracted with beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti for a research project. The objective was to determine what legislative steps should be taken to make Blue Magic an integral and automatic part of the American Dream.

Bijiquiovarti, a constitutional scholar and part-time assistant pharmacist at the CIA, released the following findings, but only on the condition of anonymity:

The Bijiquiovarti findings:

* Erectile Function (EF) is an inalienable right guaranteed by the United States Constitution.

* The right to EF is found in the same section of the Constitution that guarantees a woman's right to an abortion, and is adjacent to the Constitutional requirement that mandates separation of church and state.

* Because EF is an inalienable right, Viagra must be made available to all males diagnosed with ED. For men unable to afford the medicine, Bijiquiovarti has learned that state and local governments must provide Blue Magic free of charge. No exceptions!

Congratulations to Bijiquiovarti for his outstanding research and reporting expertise!

Coming as it does so close to Valentine's Day, the Bijiquiovarti report is the most exciting news since the Emancipation Proclamation.

Thanks again, Dr. Bijiquiovarti!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

America Urgently Needs President Michael Savage in 2008!

By John W. Lillpop

Did I hear the news correctly? Michael Savage is mulling a run for the presidency?

Hallelujah!

President Michael Savage in the Oval Office would be a blessing to America, and would be a positive answer to millions of conservative prayers.

In fact, a Savage presidency may the only hope for saving America from liberal nitwits like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, not to mention RINOs and our "conservative" president.

Dr. Savage believes in American "borders, language, and culture."

With Dr. Savage at the bully pulpit, there would be no open borders, no amnesty for 30 million third-world criminals, and no multicultural lies like "diversity is our greatest strength" and other such foolishness.

Savage is one of the few straight shooters with the guts and brains to tell it like it really is. He is unafraid to remind people that American culture is superior to all others in the world, bar none--which is why nearly everyone in the world wants to move here.

The good doctor is right on ALL issues--abortion, Islamofascists, taxes, religion, illegal aliens, government spending, affirmative action, size of government, free speech, activist judges, crime, and all the rest.

Savage is the conservatives' conservative--a man who would make Ronald Reagan and Goldwater beam with pride.

Those of us who live in the San Francisco Bay Area have had the extraordinary good fortune of listening to Savage preach the truth for about fourteen years. His radio career started as a weekend host on a San Francisco radio station better known for it's loony liberalism than common sense conservatism.

Savage's show turned out to be a beacon of hope in the hopeless fog of liberal extremism in the Bay Area.

One of Savage's greatest gifts, in addition to his daunting intelligence, is a blistering sense of humor. He has an uncanny ability to blend morbid news with a withering wit that leaves listeners alternatively sobbing and laughing hysterically.

Michael Savage would have been a terrific stand-up comic had he elected to pursue that line of work.

Instead, Savage earned a PhD. from, of all places, the University of California at Berkley. That experience alone qualifies Savage as our nation's greatest authority on battling anti-American liberalism.

Along the way, Savage authored around 20 books, including several that made it to the New York Times Bestseller list.

Can you imagine? The New York Times Bestseller list? Leftists at the "Old Gray Lady" must have gone into a towering rage each time a Savage book made it to number one! How sweet it is to contemplate the bitterness of that pill.

National radio syndication is Savage's latest success story. Again, those in the media and leftists in general are left pulling their hair out by the astounding appeal of this son of an immigrant who really "gets it" when it comes to being an American.

However great his radio work is, Dr. Savage is urgently needed for a much higher calling. How does Dr. Michael Savage, President of the United States, sound?

From where I am sitting, it sounds like a great idea whose idea has finally arrived!

Run, Michael, run!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Ahmadinejad to Make Dramatic Announcement on Feb.11

by John W. Lillpop

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is making headlines again, this time by promising a dramatic announcement on February 11. It is being reported that Ahmadinejad plans to announce, once and for all, that Iran has a right to nuclear energy.

http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3360816,00.html

Officials at the State Department and Pentagon are working at a frantic pace to determine what Ahmadinejad is up to, so that an adequate U.S. response can be formulated.

Speculation is all over the park; however, those in the know are suggesting that Ahmadinejad will announce one or more of the following initiatives:


* A Holocaust museum is to be built in Tehran. Ahmadinejad needs six million Jews to volunteer as "victims" for the true to death museum exhibits.

* Iran's missing imam has been found in a well in New Orleans, Louisiana. Apparently, the imam fell into the well on September 2, 2005, and is just now being rescued by FEMA.

* The Democratic National Committee is opening a branch office in Bam,Iran. Democrat Keith Ellison will present the official "Ax to the City" to Howard Dean in a ceremony that will feature decapitation of three vagabond Jews found stowing away in a Tehran Starbucks.

* A casting call has been issued for the male lead in a new movie that will recreate the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The successful applicant will be an infidel from a southern U.S. state, with poor English skills, dyslexia, unable to pronounce the word nuclear, and with an acknowledged weakness for criminals from Mexico.

* American Mike Tyson has been appointed to serve as Iran's official State Executioner, Stoning Division. Tyson will oversee cases involving women who have been raped and are to be stoned to death for tempting their rapists into un-Allah behavior.

* Pope Benedict XVI has accepted an invitation to serve as the guest of honor at Iran's first annual SoccerFest in July. Final language is being drafted for a half-time announcement in which the Pope will publicly declare his personal conversion to Islam, and his rejection of all that "Christian bunk."

* Allah has delivered a "miracle cure" for AIDS to Iranian scientists. This miracle drug has no side effects when administered to a Muslim brother or sister. However, infidels ingesting the medicine will immediately suffer an agonizing and painful death which, according to the Koran, is the fulfillment of promises made by the holy Prophet Mohammed.

* Because of that evil doer, G.W Bush, Muslim martyrs are being delivered to Islamic heaven at a record pace. As a result, the supply of virgins is dangerously low, and the number of virgins gifted to arriving martyrs must be reduced from 72 to 36. This is a temporary measure until Allah smites that evil infidel from Texas.

* February 11 marks the official start of the 8th century in Iran.

Happy New Century to all of those innocent people enslaved in Iran--may Allah have mercy on your souls and deliver you from evil!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Dear CAIR: Please Boycott Airlines Serving Hawaii--In May!

John W. Lillpop

Of all the bloody cheek!

No longer content with just ramming airplanes into skyscrapers, devotees of the "Religion of Peace" have raised the terror bar another couple of notches.

Now these neurotic stowaways from the 7th century have flexed their financial muscle by threatening to boycott Northwest Airlines. It seems as though agents at Northwest had the audacity to demand that Muslim travelers follow international and airline rules by checking in least one hour before scheduled departure time.

It had something to do with security, 9/11, terrorism threats, etc. Nothing that would concern any card-holding Jihadist. Right?

In any event, travelers returning from a pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, allegedly arrived just twenty minutes before departure, rather the required hour.

That is when Northwest Airlines personnel acted responsibly and refused to allow 40 of Allah's best and brightest to board the plane.

Of course, lawyers from CAIR subsequently gathered to address the issue in the spirit of fairness, reasoned logic, and common sense.

When all of those approaches failed, CAIR resorted to their standard policy book and screamed Racism! blah, blah, blah. And they then threatened to boycott the company, meaning that Muslims would get even by not flying Northwest Airlines.

Go here:

Excuse me, did I read that correctly? The Muslims threatened to stay away from Northwest Airlines?

Good grief, how lucky can any airline get?

Immediately after confirming this report, I checked the itinerary for my Hawaii vacation in May and dispatched the following letter to the San Francisco branch of CAIR:

Dear CAIR:

Knowing how racist and belligerent some airlines can be, I thought it my civic duty to inform you of a situation that is untenable for any ax-wielding Jihadist.

I refer to XXX Airlines, Flight XX, on May 5, 2007. This flight is non-stop from San Francisco to Honolulu, and leaves at 730 am, PDT. Gate 2a, Terminal 3.

In addition, please make note of the return flight from Honolulu to San Francisco on May 19, 2007.

Both of these flights are to be avoided by Muslims at all costs. The pilots, stewardesses, security personal, bartenders, and Red Caps at the airports for these flights are all racists. Some are even reported to be closet Jews.

Please confirm receipt of this advisory and CAIR's firm commitment to boycott the identified flights.

Praise be to Allah,


JWL
Infidel, Second Class



John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

BREAKING NEWS: Saddam Brother Hanged, Beheaded, "Other"?

By John W. Lillpop

Lillsatirenews (Baghdad)

A major controversy surrounding the execution of Saddam Hussein's half brother, Barzan Ibrahim, is threatening to disrupt festivities planned for Martin Luther King Day in downtown Baghdad and in neighboring communities.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti reports that the death certificate prepared by the graveshift coroner in Baghdad lists the cause of death as a multiple choice, rather than a statement of medical opinion as is standard throughout the civilized world.

Bijiquiovarti, who says he has seen the original death certificate, claims that the document identifies the cause of death as follows:

A. Hanged, or

B. Beheaded, or

C. Anxiety attack, or

D. Other


Ibrahim and Awad Hamed al-Bandar, a judge in Iraq's Revolutionary Court, were executed before dawn in Iraq on Monday morning.

Go Here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070115/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq

Prosecutor Jaafar al-Moussawi said Ibrahim "looked tense" when he was brought into the room, which may explain why the coroner listed anxiety as a possible cause of death.

Meanwhile, Democrats attacked the botched execution as another blatant failure of President Bush in his failed quagmire.

Speaker Pelosi, working on legislation that would make January 22, the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, an official federal holiday said: "Whatever the exact cause, this execution was a brutal and uncivilized disregard for human life! Shame on George Bush!"

Pelosi added that freedom of choice advocates want the Roe V. Wade federal holiday, to be called "Womb Freedom of Choice Day," in place in time to commemorate 50 million successful abortions since January 22, 1973.

Another long suffering liberal, Ramsey Clark, scolded the Bush administration for "brutal acts against humanity." and announced that because Ibrahim was "essentially executed twice," the dead killer should be entitled to 144 virgins in Islamic heaven.

President Bush refused to answer the charges leveled by Pelosi and Clark, but did congratulate the Iraqis for executing Judge Awad Hamed al-Bandar.

The president indicated that he intends to appoint a special White House task force to study a similar procedure for dealing with liberal judges in America.

Satirebyjwl


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Saddam Eligible for 72 Virgins? (Satire)

"Welcome to Eternity and Happy Hanukkah, Saddam."




by John W. Lillpop

One of the most appealing aspects of the Muslim faith is the promise that upon ascension to Islamic heaven, martyred men automatically inherit the company and pleasures of 72 virgins. This fringe benefit helps to explain why Muslims are always engaged in war and doing crazy things to get themselves killed.

Religious scholars throughout the middle east are debating the application of the “Rule of 72” to Saddam Hussein who was sent on his merry way at dawn on December 30.

While scholars differ, Saddam himself appeared convinced that orgiastic bliss was in his future. How can we infidels know what the deranged dictator thought?

For starters, Saddam’s last communication to the Iraqi people referred to his looming execution as a “sacrifice” for God. That is Muslim-babble for martyr, as in “I am ready to collect my heavenly reward in flesh!”

In another dead give away (pun intended), Saddam also clutched a copy of the Quaran until the moment before he was hanged. This was yet another sign that the Butcher of Baghdad had decided to follow a spiritual path for eternity--especially the part about the 72 virgins.

But the dictator’s last act on earth erased all doubt about his mindset: Saddam kept six 100mg Viagra hidden under his tongue, and swallowed the pills just before the trap door was released.

Thus, Saddam’s Death Certificate listed the official cause of death as “Penile Explosion.”

But, alas, in the end, Saddam may have outsmarted himself.

According to Opel Bijiquiovarti, expert in the “Rule of 72” and other scholarly works about Islam, Saddam overlooked a key passage in the Quaran which deals with despots, dictators, and those who commit suicide for reasons other than the glory of Allah. Self-induced penile explosion seems to fall into the last category.

However, Bijiquiovarti still believes that Saddam will get 72 virgins.

But Saddam will be shocked to learn that all 72 are the spitting image of Golda Meir, former Prime Minister of Israel.

Thus, 72 clones of Golda Meir will greet Saddam with:

"Welcome to Eternity and Happy Hanukkah, Saddam." In perfect Yiddish.


satirebylohnwlillpop


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Lesson from Saddam Hanging: Don’t Mess With Texans!

by John W. Lillpop


Due primarily to America’s problems in Iraq, President Bush has seen his credibility and reputation deteriorate significantly throughout the world. Once feared by our enemies, Bush is now the object of public ridicule and scorn dished out by tinhorn despots.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad openly mocks Bush and dares him to “Stop me if you can” when it comes to uranium centrifuges and Iran’s “right” to go nuclear.

Korean madman Kim Jong Il launches a dramatic fireworks show on July 4, defiantly upstaging America’s Independence Day celebration.

Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez feigns smelling sulfur while addressing the UN, and jokes that the odor can be traced to the presence of the devil, AKA President Bush, in New York a day earlier.

However, Saddam Hussein’s hanging may precipitate an attitude adjustment in tyrants guilty of “misundersestimating” Bush.

Indeed, a new message is being sent, loud, and clear.

That message: Don’t Mess with Texans!

********************************************************************


Meanwhile, Democrats about to take over Washington, D.C. next week are already spinning the execution of Saddam Hussein so as to deny any credit for the tyrant’s demise to President Bush.

Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi, reached at a botox recovery clinic for repeat offensers in San Francisco, said, “Remember, this was an act by a free and Democratic Iraqi people. President Bush was irrelevant.”

Incoming Senate majority leader Harry Reid, speaking from a ringside seat (gifted to him by the Nevada Gaming Commission) at a boxing match, echoed the sentiments of Pelosi and added, “Forget George Bush. Saddam’s end came about as the result of Iraqi jurisprudence.”

Perhaps Pelosi and Reid are right. But how do you explain the following label, in Spanish, on the hangman’s noose:

“Made in Crawford, Texas for Dubya by good hearted, hard worked illegal aliens”?

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

The New Bush Iraq "Strategery"

John W. Lillpop

As the war in Iraq continues to chip away at President Bush’s poll numbers and flickering hopes for a favorable legacy, the administration is fully committed to finding a new strategery that will work while silencing Bush critics.

Sequestered at Camp David for the holidays, the president and his top advisers have been toiling late each night (until 7 p.m.) to find a solution.

Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein is sequestered in a lonely cell in the “Green Zone” awaiting the inevitable: Namely, the arrival of that lucky Iraqi citizen who won the Baghdad lottery, and with it the right to deliver Saddam to Allah via a hangman’s noose.

To causal observers, it is difficult to imagine a single solution that would simultaneously solve the difficulties faced by President Bush and Saddam Hussein. Those trained in the science of problem solving would disagree.

For example, thinking “outside the box” could lead President Bush to a very creative, bold step such as this:

Before Iraq gets around to executing Saddam, Bush should address the American people and declare that as a result of intense questioning (read torture) of those Iranians recently captured in Iraq, Saddam Hussein has been cleared of any and all wrong doing, and is reinstated as the president of Iraq, effective immediately.

Bush could continue by saying that all of the faulty intelligence about WMD in Iraq was created by Osama bin Laden and fed to the CIA by Al-Quaeda operatives stationed in Baghdad, but reporting to Tehran.

The president would conclude his address by announcing the immediate withdrawal of all U.S. troops from Iraq.

With this grand strategery, Bush could:

-Exit Iraq gracefully without admitting defeat;

-Demonstrate American integrity to the Arab world;

-Establish a link between Al-Quaeda and Iraq, thereby derailing faulty conclusions reached by the 9/11 commission;

-Blame Al-Quaeda and Iran for the WMD debacle while justifying the Iraq invasion, and

-Saddle Saddam with the onerous tasks of managing the snake pit in Iraq and dealing with Helen Thomas, David Gregory, and other liberals hostile to the administration.

But what about the need to exact justice from Saddam in order to atone for his evil ways?

Again, problem solvers will point out that running Iraq is impossible and that within 30 days or so, Saddam would be hunting for that hangman’s noose in order to do himself in. Saddam’s suicide would serve justice just as well as a state sponsored execution.

Meanwhile, President Bush would be free to resume his plans to remake America into a suburb of Mexico, and to start raising the $500 million needed for the Bush Memorial Library!


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!
satirebyjwl

Executing the Law in Iraq: Valuable Lessons for America

John W. Lillpop

On December 14, 2003, American military forces opened a rat hole on a small farm south of Tikrit, Iraq. Out of that miserable hole crawled one of the most despicable and loathsome freaks ever to have plagued this planet.

Saddam Hussein, once feared and despised in nearly equal measure throughout Iraq, emerged from that hole as a haggard, beaten coward.

The “Butcher of Baghdad” was taken into to custody to answer for his alleged crimes against humanity, including burying people alive in mass graves, gassing his own people, and other heinous acts of unspeakable brutality.

It was Saddam’s severe misfortune to have been apprehended in Iraq, rather than in America.

Had the killer been driven from a hole in, say, California, he would have had a legion of ACLU lawyers clamoring to defend him. After several years of wrangling and legal table tennis played to perfection by his corrupt lawyers, Saddam would have been sentenced to death.

His sentencing would have started another ten or fifteen years of legal maneuvering know as the appeals process. During this period, lawyers driving to and from court would face a greater probability of dying in a fatal automobile crash than Saddam would face as a result of justice being served.

Conjugal visits, cable television, supervised physical exercise, and maybe even Internet access would have made Saddam’s days tolerable, if not enjoyable.

But, alas, Saddam was captured in Iraq, not America. So instead of conjugal visits, large contingents of lawyers, and prison amenities worthy of a king, Saddam got—Ramsey Clark.

Perhaps the Lord does have a sense of humor, after all. That would explain the irony of Saddam Hussein having his very life boiling down to the competency of Ramsey Clark. That is a good one, Lord!

Even more ironic is this: Just slightly more than three years after Saddam was captured, his death sentence was upheld by Iraqi chief judge Aref Shahin who decreed that Saddam must be executed within 30 days of December 26.

Consider what has transpired since 2003: Iraq has been through “shock and awe” courtesy of the United States Air force, has been invaded by the mightiest military force in human history, and been splintered by sectarian violence many consider to be “civil war.”

Yet, in spite of all of that, Iraq managed to try Saddam Hussein, adjudicate his appeals, and sentence this subhuman beast to hanging in just over three years! All that remains is the actual hanging.

Those responsible for managing America’s system of jurisprudence could learn a great deal from Iraqi chief judge Aref Shahin.

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

Better TV: Hanging of Saddam or Fall of Washington, D.C.?

Satire by John W. Lillpop

In a classic example of “Better Late Than Never,” Iraq’s highest appeals court has gifted President Bush and all of America with an extraordinary Christmas gift: That would be the head of deposed president Saddam Hussein.

Moreover, Iraqi chief judge Aref Shahin has ruled that the execution must be “implemented” within 30 days.

Go here for story

Good grief, I wonder if Judge Shahin realizes that his ruling sets up the potential for a major television ratings war?

Think about it.

What if the Iraqi executioner decides to “implement” Saddam’s demise on January 4 or 5 of next week? So what, you ask?

Here is the problem: The mother of all conflicts would ensue because America is scheduled to officially commit national suicide over those two days, starting with the crowning of Nancy Pelsoi as Speaker of the United States House.

Frantic viewers would be torn between conflicting passions: Do I watch as the last vestiges of life are ripped from the worthless Saddam Hussein?

Or do I tune in and witness America’s surrender to the forces of insanity as Nancy Pelosi, who is qualified to clean the House with a mop and bucket but not much more, takes over leadership?

Oh, the agony of difficult decisions. Perhaps we could work out a compromise?

Could we, say, execute Pelosi and crown Saddam! That would really get the snake-oil salesmen, also knows as advertising professionals, working overtime.

It might just save America as well!

Or to spice up the snuffing coverage, why not include Ramsey Clark in the doings—as a snufee, that is—and call it a “double header?”

A word of caution to the executioner: When selecting the instrument for Pelosi, be advised that most of her being is recycled silicon and or new botox. Thus, lethal injection may take 45 minutes, or even longer to work. But the American people are a patient lot, and we will wait if the reward is great enough--and in this case, it would be!

A final word of caution to the networks: Use international diplomacy, threat of nuclear war, or whatever it takes to assure that NOTHING interferes with the broadcast of NFL playoff games and the Super Bowl!

Arabic Signs Panic Virginia Virgins?

Upon first seeing the title of the fine column “Arabic Signs Panic Virginians” by Warner Todd Houston, my old, tired eyes misread the title as “Arabic Signs Panic Virgins.”

An understandable mistake as one endures the tandem ravages of age and insanity.

But my poor eyesight caused me to consider the following question: Where does Islamic Heaven get all the virgins needed to supply the Islamic brotherhood of suicide bombers and other Muslim martyrs?

If the liberal media are to be believed, George W. Bush eliminates Islamofascists like most people eliminate baked beans. That means that there must be a “virgin shortfall” in Islam heaven. Supply being outstripped by demand, and all that fancy economic stuff one picks up at Yale.

And who knows, perhaps the Jihadist community has decided that “Virginia virgins” fit the bill perfectly for replenishing available stock?

Bottom line: Maybe my eyes are not that bad, after all. Maybe virgins in Virginia should be wary of young, middle-eastern Muslim men who speak Arabic.

But that would be racial profiling. Right?

A Reply to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Question: What Would Jesus Do?

John W. Lillpop

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written again. This time, the Iranian president wants to know what Jesus would do were He were present in the world today.

My reply follows:

December 20, 2006


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

Once again, we thank you for writing.

Given your communications skills, you are probably going to need a literary agent soon. We are pleased to recommend a young, attractive American woman who has exceptional experience and who would be a perfect match.

Her name is Judith Regan and, as fate would have it, she is in the market for employment. Ms. Regan can help you put together a slick brochure to explain your uranium centrifuges to a cynical world.

She would probably title it “If I Made Nuclear Weapons,Here Is How I Would Do It” or something clever like that.

Trust us, Regan is a whiz at helping murderous thugs and Islamic nutcases gain wide spread respect and acceptability. As an added bonus, Ms. Regan shares your concerns about “Jewish cabals.”

Now, let us consider your latest missive. You posed a question as follows:

“What would Jesus do if he were present in the world today?”

With all due respect, Mahmoud, the Jesus Christ of our faith is present in the world right now. In fact, billions of believers are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ this month.

The Body of Christ—we faithful Christians throughout the world—await his physical return with great anticipation.

However, no mortal can guess, much less know, what Jesus will do upon his return. Because He is divine and omnipotent, Jesus can do whatsoever he deems good and necessary.

While it is impossible for mortals to know what Jesus might do, here are some ideas that infidel rednecks would like to see implemented:


* All existing mosques should be converted to synagogues and or Kosher delicatessens. Holocaust artifacts should be sold by any properly licensed Jew.

* In order to combat terrorism, the reward for successful Muslim suicide bombers and other martyrs should be reduced from 72 to 36 virgins. In addition, martyrs should have two basic virgin models to choose from: A clone of Helen Thomas or, for the more intellectual jihadist, a clone of Madeline Albright.

Reversing one’s martyrdom decision should not be an option.

* George W. Bush should be declared the King of all Islam nations in the world. Texan should be made the official language throughout Bush Kingdom, and all of his subjects should be required to consume at least twenty pounds of BBQ beef and five cases of Budweiser beer every month.

* It should be announced that your missing Imam has been found. She is doing quite well, but wants to complain publicly about lousy conditions in Iranian wells.

Your old pal—and we mean old!—Mike Wallace is working on a television special with Ms. Imam, and Mike may wish to get your comments after the special has been beamed globally to six billion homes!

* Because of copyright infringements, the celebration of Ramadan should be outlawed. American corporate executives registered Ramada Inn as a Doing Business As (DBA) name several years ago, and Ramadan appears to have been plagiarized by Muslims for selfish religious purposes.

We trust that these answers will enrich your understanding of Western values and ideals.

Please do not hesitate to Instant Message Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid if you need further information about how to ruin America.

Sincerely,


John W. Lillpop
Infidel Second Class

Why Would a Normal Muslim Ever Resist Death?

John W. Lillpop

If it is true that, upon death, Muslim men have immediate access to 72 voluptuous virgins, why would any Muslim ever resist?

In fact, one wonders why Musab Zarqawi tried to crawl off his death-stretcher last June in Iraq?

Given the promise of all that free love, why not just lay back, relax and croak?

Perhaps Zarqawi understood that if he stayed on the stretcher, he risked being taken and kept alive by American medical people. He was also shrewd enough to know that dimwit liberals at the ACLU and DNC would demand that he receive a full slate of "Terrorist Rights," including a civilian jury trial, thereby delaying his demise/reward by a decade or two.

So Zarqawi did what any sane Muslim about to lose out on 20 years of unfettered sex would do: He tried to escape in order to die immediately!

In the end, though, Zarqawi was a beneficiary of superior American technology as that 500 pound buster- bomb blasted the jihadist killer out of this level of consciousness.

Zarqawi’s last words on that bloody stretcher reflected his gratitude when he stole a direct quote from GW Bush:

Bring them on! said the dying jihadist, with a twinkle in his still-horny eye.

And remember the weasels who committed suicide at Guantanamo Bay last summer? One would assume that by now they have also snaked their way up to Islamic heaven and are reunited with Zarqawi.

So, again I ask: With 72 virgins in the offing, why in the hell would any Muslim ever resist death?


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!

An Open Letter to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

December 1, 2006

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

We are in receipt of your letter dated November 29, 2006, addressed to “Noble Americans.”

While your English translators are quite good, we recommend that duplicate copies be provided in Ebonics and Spanish the next time you write. Both of these languages are used widely here, and the millions of Americans who favor them deserve the chance to hear your pearls of wisdom just like the rest of us.

Howard Dean agrees with this recommendation, and tells us that he forgot to mention that we are becoming multi-lingual when he prepared the final draft.

It is noted that you dated your letter November 29, 2006. We trust that you recognize that the year 2006 is based on the number of years since the birth of Jesus Christ, who is the only deity to have walked on earth and the only source for redemption and eternal life.

We have attached a Gideon Bible and encourage you to read the New Testament, particularly the books written by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, who were great disciples that worked side by side with Jesus Christ during his ministry here on earth more than two millennia ago.


By the way, Jesus and all his disciples were Jews.

While we are concerned with some of the inflammatory speech in your correspondence, we are pleased that you are writing. Our intelligence professionals tell us that as long as you are preoccupied with writing, at least you are not making nuclear weapons with enriched uranium gleaned from those illegal centrifuges.

So by all means, make prose, not bombs, Mahmoud!

As to your suggestion that America disengage from our long-standing relationship with Israel, a quick study in American economics and politics is in order:

You see, Jews own all our banks and financial institutions, they are embedded in all levels of government in Washington, D.C., and in the 50 states, they own all major communications venues, and they run Hollywood, movie capitol of the world.

In sum, Jews are everywhere.

We understand that you are looking forward to the return of the Iranian messiah—AKA the Hidden Imam--as a signal that the end times have arrived.

Praise be, Mahmoud!

Our president, George Bush, owns a large ranch in Texas, including several wells. In what surely must be a miracle, secret service officials are reporting that a man calling himself the Hidden Imam was found in a well praying for help. It seems as though the fellow used a defective GPS and ended up in Crawford, Texas, rather than Tehran.

Our president says that he is willing to work with you so that you can get your Hidden Imam out of that well and we can shut down those centrifuges. Please make us an offer.

We noble Americans wish you and your Hidden Imam a Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,

A Noble American


John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, "clean and sober" since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable!